Balance...can we fully attain it?

It has been a long time since I posted.  LIfe has happened...as always time passes...I learned a lot, I learned a little...does that make sense?

I sat back and read some of my old posts, and sometimes the lesson is presented in a hundred different ways until you finally get it....

That is what is happening now...

I need to learn BALANCE!  Lets be honest, we all do.  When something captures my fancy, I go 100% in that direction, reckless abandon, balls to the...well you get the picture...

Being present means being in balance.  I cannot complete a task that is set for 430 at 9 am, so why do I sit in it all day.  Thinking about it, planning it, dreaming how it will be....

Take a moment to do what is in FRONT of you...you will be happier...

Back....

I am back, just wanted to say that.  Just needed to say that.  Its mothers day tomorrow.  I feel like I have cheated way too many mothers out of things......

To be sober tonight makes me happy...

That is all...

God Shots....

Sometimes in life we have to be thankful...My car overheated on the freeway, however there was an exit and it was right next to a hotel..thank God...it was not in the best of neighborhood's..in the past I would have been worried about police, DUI etc...but this time, clear head and heart and it felt good...

Today I am grateful for:

• Obsessing less about things..
• Helping others...
• God looking out for me...
• finding the perfect place to put my broke down car off the freeway in a bad area...that was all God...

...to the CARE...

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the CARE of God as we understood Him." AA-Pg59 The Third Step.

I heard once that this is the difference between belief and faith...You see a man that is going to push a wheelbarrow on a tightrope, between two buildings over 200 feet in the air without a safety net. He is an experienced tight-roper so you believe he can do it. Having Faith is sitting in the wheelbarrow as he does..

It is interesting as I am struggling with some concepts of the Third step that the word CARE stood out to me today. We have made this decision, and trusted God, or our Higher Power, but what I never fully understood is to the CARE of our Higher Power. God is not going to do anything that will hurt us...if we turn our child over to the care of someone, that person is entrusted to do what is best for the child, and we hope they will...it is the same thing with God. He loves and cares for us, so if we just have faith and trust, everything he does is for our good, for our well being...

I am so grateful to understand better today what it is like to be cared for, and to turn our lives over to His care and to have faith...so much more than I did before.

Today I am grateful for:

• The experience...
• Living in the present...
• ...and having an opportunity that would never have come if I were drinking...
• ...and recognizing that I need to put it in God's hands...and not take it back.

We...

"We were powerless over alcohol..." AA First step.

In the midst of all our teachings, religion, AA, spirituality, whatever you call it, there is always "WE". The fact that we all are really one dates back to the teachings of Jesus. Whether you find Him a prophet, the Son of God, or just a really smart Man, His teachings all are summed up with one thing...WE. Even in the Lord's prayer He says..."Our Father"...not My Father, Your Father, Christians Father, Muslims excluded, not Buddha's Father..you get the point.

This very simple principle, which is that We are all connected, is the foundation of sobriety, and of personal change. We can stay sober, I cannot. "We shall overcome".."We the People"....are you seeing the pattern? Do unto others as you would have others do to you. Very simple things, yet so misunderstood in life.

Each day we ask what we can do for someone else, rarely in spirituality, the program, or just plain good living are we asked to do selfish things...we are asked how to make the group better, or by helping others we grow. Humans are pack animals, isolation is not natural, however as alcoholics we have made it an art. I mean lets be honest, even when we isolated and drank, eventually we still drunk dialed someone and told them how much we loved/hated/missed/wanted them...right?

We must stay a WE. If not this program will not work, nor will our change and growth...we shall remain isolated and alone, and that is not what our Higher Power wants for us, or what WE want for ourselves.

Today I am grateful for:

• My "WE" around me...
• ...the program working deep within me.
• God guiding me to things that I don't fully understand...
• ....and trusting Him.

Self Will...STILL????

"On awakening let us think about the twenty -four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives." AA P.56

Is it possible my anxiousness and bitterness can still exist, even though I think I work a program daily? OF COURSE. All week I was seeking something, something to maybe make my head stop. Even though it wasn't a drink, something was still off...that is when I realized, I was trying to be the director in my play. I have not woken up early lately and continued the pattern I started, Big Book, meditation, daily reflections...etc..it has taken me to a crazy head spin....what was I to do?

Well, luckily I have learned in our program that to quiet the mind, we do not need a drink...let what is happening happen....ask your Higher Power to direct you and maybe, just maybe we can reset and realize that it is really not our will anyways. That is why we feel maladjusted, because we still are running our will.

I love learning that I can reset each and everyday, sometimes every minute. I need to ask myself, whose will? My best thinking got me to where I am today, time to listen to a better bus driver!

Today I am grateful for:

• My brother in law coming in town, we always have good conversations.
• My wife's understanding...
• The ability to show up and be considered for a large promotion at work, there was a day that I never thought I would be able to do that.
• My life changing in good ways....
• ....and being able to recognize it.

Restless...

Yesterday I was restless. There was something going on within me that made me completely anxious. As I spoke to another alcoholic, I figured out why....I was still trying to control everything. From work, to family to personal life...everthing. I need to let go and let God. Both with my drinking and everything in my life...it is hard to keep moving and moving...and really let go...

I hope today I can let go and take direction like I really MEAN IT!

Today I am grateful for:

• Having a job in this tough economy.
• My daughter and her smile..
• ...slowly learning my sleep patterns and how to get better sleep.
• Reading. I love my new NOOK!
• Giving God a chance this morning...

Grateful....

FOr today I am grateful for many things...

• Another productive work week...
• My wife and daughter...
• Loving my life and learning each day how to be better..
• Starting the 4th step with my new sponsor......
• God helping me no matter what....
• .....and him loving me also...
• ..and my loving myself...

To know oneself...

"Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have." Doris Mortman

I was so restless with who I really am. Until I started, and its slowly moving along, to try and discover myself, I found that I was unable to really be happy. Today I still get restless and unable to be happy sometimes. Today I know that it is not what I want that can make me happy, to be happy I need to love what I have, myself and what is around me.

We do not choose to have this disease. I didnt sign up for this, but this is the hand I am dealt and with that, I must choose to be sober. Choose to be honest and sane.

Today I am grateful for:

• My small understanding of what is going on in my life.
• Still learning daily...
• ...and being glad to learn.
• Feeling like I am still an infant in sobriety, but knowing I can still help someone else.
• My family being provided for by my job, and God blessing us.

Guilt....

"Guilt is anger directed at ourselves-at what we did or did not do." Peter McWilliams

I really do carry so much guilt around my drinking. It is so true that all this is is anger with myself at what I did to my family and friends, and frankly everyone. Angry I lied so much, angry I spent so much, was away too much, everything. Being an alcoholic I beat myself up so much....my hands hurt!

The great news now is when I feel guilt, I can figure out why I am feeling that way. I can pause and reflect on what the real feeling is, and where the real problem lies. I can tell myself it's ok in certain situations, to not feel guilty or shameful, but to feel the real emotions. Fear, anger, hurt, sadness....whatever it is.

I think as humans we don't allow ourselves to feel enough. It is said that God is Love. That is something we feel. In order to be connected to God we must feel, good and bad. The only way I knew how to live was to repress these feelings, or come up with some other way to deal with them....now I can sometimes do what I need to feel them and deal with them...one day at a time.

Today I am grateful:

• To be able to feel sadness for a situation and not guilt.
• Knowing that I did not cause the pain I see in a friend today...
• ...and being grateful for that.
• that I allow other people to have feelings, instead of controlling them so much....
• ...that God is helping me understand this.

This disease will kill us...

I just learned of someone with this disease that litterally drank himself to death. It is really sad. I didn't know this person very well, however I know his story. We are one drink away from giving it all back. Everything that we ever wanted or received from sobriety is just one drink away for us.

I am sad for this person, even though I didnt know him personally. I am sad because it is so simple if you just accept what you are. An alcoholic. Accept and live in the solution and you will live a full rich life. There will be problems, however, they are nothing compared to what the bottle will do to us.

Today I am grateful for:

• One day reprieve.
• Trying to live in integrity, and getting more and more success.
• Knowing that I am a drink away from losing A LOT!!
• God reminding me everyday what I need to do.

What do I bring to the table...

They are so complicated, relationships, that we always seem to be asking ourselves how they can get better. Most of the time we answer, well she/he can do this or that. The reality is what do we bring to the table In any given situation, work, home, school, friendships, etc we can ask ourselves what we are really bringing to the table in that relationship. Is it love, kindness, acceptance, service? Or is it hate,bitterness, torment, mean spirit, sarcasm etc.

The reality is that it probably lies somewhere in between In my recovery, I often ask myself, what I am bringing to this problem or solution. That is the only way to truly uncover my motives and what I need for the relationship to grow..

Today I am grateful for:

• A new sober day.
• Not as tired as I was earlier.
• A busy job today.
• God helping me......

Failure...

"Through experience and obedience, growth started, followed by grattitude. Yes, then came peace of mind-living in and sharing sobriety." Daily Reflections

As much as I have failed in sobriety, I would not change where I am today. The failures of my past make me the man I am today. No better way to learn and to grow than falling on your face, many many times! It is like this in life, you always here the successful people say how many times they failed. So it must be true that how you handle failure is really the key to success.

Today I am grateful for:

• A job that I can do well...
• My vision of sobriety becoming greater...
• My love of the program growing...
• ...because I used to hate it...
• God helping me daily.
• Giving another problem to God today, one that I have held on to for YEARS.

Grattitude...

Sometimes just being thankful is enough...

Today was like that...

Today I am grateful for:

• Trust at my job.
• Helping others tomorrow...
• ....and them helping me.
• Growing everyday...
• knowing I am trying to do the right thing, even though it sometimes doesnt feel like it...

Stay on my side...

"It wasn't what people thought about me that bothered me, it was what I thought they thought about me..." Mike-AA meeting.

My sponsor told me, it doesn't matter what people think about you, that is none of your business. I have a REALLY hard time with this one...my ego thinks that if someone in a crowd of 1,000 turns and whispers something to their friend, they must be talking about me...this is a fact with all alcoholics. We think we are unique and the center of the universe.

For me I must stay on my side of the street, even when I think it better to cross. Getting involved in others business, whether I think it is noble or not, MUST BE AVOIDED. There is a situation at work, which I want to dive in head first, but I MUST NOT. I can pause and remember how shallow the pool is, and what happens when I dive in head first. I get HURT.

Today I am grateful for:

• Another day sober, and another morning waking up clear.
• My wife being my sounding board this morning, and I trusting her.
• Another alcoholic calling me and leaving a message this morning, great way to start a day.
• Loving myself little by little...
• God helping me by protecting me from any "big deals" now...helping me as he always has...
• ...and me finally realizing it.

Keep on trudging...

"I am not a saint, unless you think of a saint as a sinner who keeps trying." Nelson Mandela

In life as long as we suit up and show up, and move forward, we are trying. In the program it is very much the same. I had a hard weekend. I felt I flew off the handle a bit, and maybe didnt work my program as hard as I should. But I didnt drink, I tried and each night my head hit the pillow, something was better.

I tried to connect with my Higher Power, whom I call God, on a daily basis. Truly us Humans are disconnected from God, unless we take the time and reconnect on a daily basis. For us alcoholics, sometimes it is hourly.

I am not sure how to best do this program. I trust God, clean house and try to help others. In that way I am making progress, not perfection.

Today I am grateful for:

• My wife taking care of my daughter this morning, it was my turn but I was tired.
• My life moving in the right direction, and me not doing anything but listening and letting it...
• ...my love of myself growing.
• Fitting into some old jeans...
• Patience being practiced...
• ...not perfected.

Mr progress..

Sometimes for me I see way more progress than some others see in me, and sometimes it is the other way around. I am not sure how to do this thing, so I am learning one day at a time to trust others.

My sponsor and I met today, and frankly the beginning was a little tense. We talked thru a character defect I had, one that I thought I was making progress on, and one which he still saw in me clearly. On one hand, I had made progress, however I still need to work on things, which is the problem I ran into whenever I relapse. This disease is cunning and baffling, and trust me if you don't take stock of it daily, it will beat you.

Today I am grateful for:

• My wife and I being married for 6 years. I love her and she really helps me to be a better me.
• The opportunity to spend time with her tonight on a "date" something I wouldn't be able to do if I was still drinking.
• My sponsor and his words, both kind and unkind. They help ground me.
• God slowly changing me, and reminding me to slow down son....

Simple..

"Don't drink, one day at a time, never more than a day at a time, sometimes 10 minutes at a time." Ollie-Hermosa AA

I am powerless over alcohol, but I am not powerless over the first drink. I can do things in my program that give me a defense to that first drink. I can call people, pray, read, etc...

If there is nothing more I feel I can do, I can turn it over. My higher power has the control, not me....

Trust God, clean house and help others...

That is what we do One Day at A Time.

Today I am grateful for:

• One day at a time...
• ...and doing the next right thing.
• The obsession being removed, and me winning the battle.
• God doing for me today, what I cannot do for myself.

Cleaning House..

"The Past: Our cradle, not our prison; there is danger as well as appeal in its glamour. The past is for inspiration, not imitation, for continuation, not repetition." Israel Zangwill

The program teaches us to embrace our past, and not to forget it. There is a fine line, however in "romanticizing" the past. Thinking of all the "good" times we had, and not remembering the after effects of what we had done.

Today I use my past as experience, not as something to try and re live. I am not going to score the winning touchdown at homecoming anymore, not that I ever did, but you know what I mean. Accepting that today is meant to be a learning and growth experience, and that the past is to be used as a teacher, will help me to change my behavior. All of us can benefit from this, in or out of the program, using the past to help not to dream it happens again...

Today I am grateful for:

• My daughter and her love this morning.
• Getting better one day at a time...
• ...never more than a day at a time...
• ....sometimes 10 minutes at a time!
• My Higher Power living in me now!

Lessons learned...

"Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out of." Anonymous

This quote is so true. For me it is a new process in life. Unlearning 38 years of programmed behavior. One day at a time, never more than a day at a time, sometimes 10 minutes at a time.

The reality is we all have bad habits that we slip into, some may be small, others large, but whatever they are, if we tackle them one day at a time, we can get out of the bed and change what we have become, to what we really are.

Today I am grateful for:

• A meeting today that is starting back at step one. I love that step.
• The fellowship, and sharing with others.
• Knowing today, I got out of bed and treated one of my bad habits.
• God doing for me...