Humility

Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. AA Seventh Step.

Although I am not on my seventh step yet, I can only imagine how we must kill our false pride when we are in recovery. It has always been a problem for me to have humility, even though I really don't like myself. But I wanted everyone to think I was great or had it all, and that created an over inflated ego. It was something watching me not like myself, and try to make the whole world like me! I am trying to be more humble in the face of the world. Trying to become a better person and for that I am grateful. Today is just one more day, one more time I have to treat my disease and be a better person. Father, husband, worker, friend all those things.

Today I am grateful for:

• Spending time with my daughter.
• Having a job.
• My prayers this morning.
• God doing for me what I CANNOT do for myself.

Routine...

I once heard that you might be an alcoholic if you find something is working and you stop doing it. That is a classic line for me, and SO TRUE!

I have trouble committing to things, commitment means to me routine and dealing with feelings and not being able to escape. And to escape, for me, is the one thing that leads me to drink. In the rooms of AA I try to stay grounded, try to learn not to escape any kind of emotion. Sad, Anger, Fear, Happiness, everything. I have found in the past when I find some sort of routine that is working I can quickly sabotage that program or plan. If I stay in the moment each day, I don't escape or stop doing what is working. Keeping my program simple and my feet grounded to where I actually am standing has helped me to understand why I try and escape. Why I try to leave whatever moment I am in, good or bad.

Today I am grateful for:

• My wife coming home from her trip, I loved my time with my daughter but Daddy needs a break!
• My daughter and I's special time, it was a great weekend.
• Being able to go to a meeting tonight, I have been unable for 3 days.
• Entourage coming back tonight, one of my favorite shows!!!

Life on Life's terms..

As an alcoholic it seems like everything is surrounded by recovery. How to act, feel, react, not feel etc. It all seems to revolve around being sober. Its almost like a job at first. The more I do it and choose the right decision the more it becomes like a lifestyle and not a job. Things will come more instinctively than before and my old thought process will change and so will my actions. That is why life has become so much more manageable. Sometimes I just have to look at a situation and say, I cant control that, I don't have the power to control it and I don't want the power to control it! That is where serenity comes into play.

Today I am grateful for:

• The exciting weekend with my daughter and mom.
• Slowly slowly coming to believe.
• My mom coming down and the ability to connect with her, even though we have years of alcoholic behavior.
• The program.
• God doing for me...

Feeling it...

I was at a meeting yesterday and the speaker spoke of intellectual sobriety and emotional sobriety. He shared how you can know something in the head, but not FEEL it and still be lost. That is where I am today. I don't know that I FEEL sobriety, and the only way for me to continue to do this is to sit in my feelings and actually have some meditation and FEEL what I am doing. It was great to hear someone explain that to me so I could actually understand the difference. I am going to sit more, listen more and hopefully feel more in my sobriety.

Today I am grateful for:

• My loving wife and daughter, the trust that keeps coming even though I have broken a lot of it.
• My phone call to a sober person yesterday that I hope helps someone dying of our addiction.
• The restful weekend and the renewed energy I feel at work today.
• Positive thoughts of a great week to come.

Independence Day!!!

As I sit here on the 4th of July I reflect on my own Independence. And frankly my dependence on what has been a major tool in my toolbox for many years. Coping with my feeling and emotions with alcohol. Shutting everything down after that second vodka hit my brain. Today I can be free of that, I can be free of the dependence. I can be independent. It doesn't matter what it is, if we are too dependant on anything our lives will become unmanageable. Food, sex, people, work, drugs, booze its all the same. If you rely too much on it and cant be free from it, it is going to ruin your life. Or at least make in unmanageable. I am grateful today that I can strive to be free, that for this 24 hours I am free from alcohol and feelings of shame and guilt that come along with that. The trick that the alcohol plays on me is the feeling of Independence when I am drinking. The catch is you are not free, you are dependant on it and the feeling is fleeting. I am glad to have realized that today. Happy freedom to all!

Today I am grateful for:

• The people who have shed blood for my freedom and have kept it alive at all cost.
• My wife and her program.
• My daughter.
• The freedom I am starting to feel.
• My meeting this morning and all it has done for me.
• People in my program who are helping me with or without knowing.

More willing...

In my sobriety I feel my old willfulness come out a lot. In takes so many forms I have a hard time trying to discern what is my old habits, a dry drunk habit or just plain stubborn. My sponsor told me to be more willing, and when asked how to do that, he just said stop controlling things. I am praying so hard to be more willing and able to do things. To let my will go and give it to God. That seems to be the hardest thing for me, getting the old self will out of the way.

Today I am grateful for:

• The fun weekend planned.
• Getting to my favorite meetings.
• Trust coming back from people.
• Trying to be willing to work hard at everything I do.

I resent that...

"Resentments or grudges do no harm to the person against whom you hold these feelings, but every day and every night of your life, they are eating at you." Norman Vincent Peale

In sobriety i cannot have resentments against anyone. It will hurt my sobriety. I dont think that I detach well enough sometimes. Maybe I can learn to do that better, then my resentments will be easier to let go.

Today I am grateful for:

• The reset button.
• My wife and daughter
• My job.
• One more day till the week winds down.
• The cool weather, its seems everywhere I hear about its 100 degrees or more.