God Shots....

Sometimes in life we have to be thankful...My car overheated on the freeway, however there was an exit and it was right next to a hotel..thank God...it was not in the best of neighborhood's..in the past I would have been worried about police, DUI etc...but this time, clear head and heart and it felt good...

Today I am grateful for:

• Obsessing less about things..
• Helping others...
• God looking out for me...
• finding the perfect place to put my broke down car off the freeway in a bad area...that was all God...

...to the CARE...

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the CARE of God as we understood Him." AA-Pg59 The Third Step.

I heard once that this is the difference between belief and faith...You see a man that is going to push a wheelbarrow on a tightrope, between two buildings over 200 feet in the air without a safety net. He is an experienced tight-roper so you believe he can do it. Having Faith is sitting in the wheelbarrow as he does..

It is interesting as I am struggling with some concepts of the Third step that the word CARE stood out to me today. We have made this decision, and trusted God, or our Higher Power, but what I never fully understood is to the CARE of our Higher Power. God is not going to do anything that will hurt us...if we turn our child over to the care of someone, that person is entrusted to do what is best for the child, and we hope they will...it is the same thing with God. He loves and cares for us, so if we just have faith and trust, everything he does is for our good, for our well being...

I am so grateful to understand better today what it is like to be cared for, and to turn our lives over to His care and to have faith...so much more than I did before.

Today I am grateful for:

• The experience...
• Living in the present...
• ...and having an opportunity that would never have come if I were drinking...
• ...and recognizing that I need to put it in God's hands...and not take it back.

We...

"We were powerless over alcohol..." AA First step.

In the midst of all our teachings, religion, AA, spirituality, whatever you call it, there is always "WE". The fact that we all are really one dates back to the teachings of Jesus. Whether you find Him a prophet, the Son of God, or just a really smart Man, His teachings all are summed up with one thing...WE. Even in the Lord's prayer He says..."Our Father"...not My Father, Your Father, Christians Father, Muslims excluded, not Buddha's Father..you get the point.

This very simple principle, which is that We are all connected, is the foundation of sobriety, and of personal change. We can stay sober, I cannot. "We shall overcome".."We the People"....are you seeing the pattern? Do unto others as you would have others do to you. Very simple things, yet so misunderstood in life.

Each day we ask what we can do for someone else, rarely in spirituality, the program, or just plain good living are we asked to do selfish things...we are asked how to make the group better, or by helping others we grow. Humans are pack animals, isolation is not natural, however as alcoholics we have made it an art. I mean lets be honest, even when we isolated and drank, eventually we still drunk dialed someone and told them how much we loved/hated/missed/wanted them...right?

We must stay a WE. If not this program will not work, nor will our change and growth...we shall remain isolated and alone, and that is not what our Higher Power wants for us, or what WE want for ourselves.

Today I am grateful for:

• My "WE" around me...
• ...the program working deep within me.
• God guiding me to things that I don't fully understand...
• ....and trusting Him.

Self Will...STILL????

"On awakening let us think about the twenty -four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives." AA P.56

Is it possible my anxiousness and bitterness can still exist, even though I think I work a program daily? OF COURSE. All week I was seeking something, something to maybe make my head stop. Even though it wasn't a drink, something was still off...that is when I realized, I was trying to be the director in my play. I have not woken up early lately and continued the pattern I started, Big Book, meditation, daily reflections...etc..it has taken me to a crazy head spin....what was I to do?

Well, luckily I have learned in our program that to quiet the mind, we do not need a drink...let what is happening happen....ask your Higher Power to direct you and maybe, just maybe we can reset and realize that it is really not our will anyways. That is why we feel maladjusted, because we still are running our will.

I love learning that I can reset each and everyday, sometimes every minute. I need to ask myself, whose will? My best thinking got me to where I am today, time to listen to a better bus driver!

Today I am grateful for:

• My brother in law coming in town, we always have good conversations.
• My wife's understanding...
• The ability to show up and be considered for a large promotion at work, there was a day that I never thought I would be able to do that.
• My life changing in good ways....
• ....and being able to recognize it.

Restless...

Yesterday I was restless. There was something going on within me that made me completely anxious. As I spoke to another alcoholic, I figured out why....I was still trying to control everything. From work, to family to personal life...everthing. I need to let go and let God. Both with my drinking and everything in my life...it is hard to keep moving and moving...and really let go...

I hope today I can let go and take direction like I really MEAN IT!

Today I am grateful for:

• Having a job in this tough economy.
• My daughter and her smile..
• ...slowly learning my sleep patterns and how to get better sleep.
• Reading. I love my new NOOK!
• Giving God a chance this morning...

Grateful....

FOr today I am grateful for many things...

• Another productive work week...
• My wife and daughter...
• Loving my life and learning each day how to be better..
• Starting the 4th step with my new sponsor......
• God helping me no matter what....
• .....and him loving me also...
• ..and my loving myself...

To know oneself...

"Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have." Doris Mortman

I was so restless with who I really am. Until I started, and its slowly moving along, to try and discover myself, I found that I was unable to really be happy. Today I still get restless and unable to be happy sometimes. Today I know that it is not what I want that can make me happy, to be happy I need to love what I have, myself and what is around me.

We do not choose to have this disease. I didnt sign up for this, but this is the hand I am dealt and with that, I must choose to be sober. Choose to be honest and sane.

Today I am grateful for:

• My small understanding of what is going on in my life.
• Still learning daily...
• ...and being glad to learn.
• Feeling like I am still an infant in sobriety, but knowing I can still help someone else.
• My family being provided for by my job, and God blessing us.

Guilt....

"Guilt is anger directed at ourselves-at what we did or did not do." Peter McWilliams

I really do carry so much guilt around my drinking. It is so true that all this is is anger with myself at what I did to my family and friends, and frankly everyone. Angry I lied so much, angry I spent so much, was away too much, everything. Being an alcoholic I beat myself up so much....my hands hurt!

The great news now is when I feel guilt, I can figure out why I am feeling that way. I can pause and reflect on what the real feeling is, and where the real problem lies. I can tell myself it's ok in certain situations, to not feel guilty or shameful, but to feel the real emotions. Fear, anger, hurt, sadness....whatever it is.

I think as humans we don't allow ourselves to feel enough. It is said that God is Love. That is something we feel. In order to be connected to God we must feel, good and bad. The only way I knew how to live was to repress these feelings, or come up with some other way to deal with them....now I can sometimes do what I need to feel them and deal with them...one day at a time.

Today I am grateful:

• To be able to feel sadness for a situation and not guilt.
• Knowing that I did not cause the pain I see in a friend today...
• ...and being grateful for that.
• that I allow other people to have feelings, instead of controlling them so much....
• ...that God is helping me understand this.

This disease will kill us...

I just learned of someone with this disease that litterally drank himself to death. It is really sad. I didn't know this person very well, however I know his story. We are one drink away from giving it all back. Everything that we ever wanted or received from sobriety is just one drink away for us.

I am sad for this person, even though I didnt know him personally. I am sad because it is so simple if you just accept what you are. An alcoholic. Accept and live in the solution and you will live a full rich life. There will be problems, however, they are nothing compared to what the bottle will do to us.

Today I am grateful for:

• One day reprieve.
• Trying to live in integrity, and getting more and more success.
• Knowing that I am a drink away from losing A LOT!!
• God reminding me everyday what I need to do.