I really do carry so much guilt around my drinking. It is so true that all this is is anger with myself at what I did to my family and friends, and frankly everyone. Angry I lied so much, angry I spent so much, was away too much, everything. Being an alcoholic I beat myself up so much....my hands hurt!
The great news now is when I feel guilt, I can figure out why I am feeling that way. I can pause and reflect on what the real feeling is, and where the real problem lies. I can tell myself it's ok in certain situations, to not feel guilty or shameful, but to feel the real emotions. Fear, anger, hurt, sadness....whatever it is.
I think as humans we don't allow ourselves to feel enough. It is said that God is Love. That is something we feel. In order to be connected to God we must feel, good and bad. The only way I knew how to live was to repress these feelings, or come up with some other way to deal with them....now I can sometimes do what I need to feel them and deal with them...one day at a time.
Today I am grateful:
- To be able to feel sadness for a situation and not guilt.
- Knowing that I did not cause the pain I see in a friend today...
- ...and being grateful for that.
- that I allow other people to have feelings, instead of controlling them so much....
- ...that God is helping me understand this.