Checking in...

It has been a bit since I blogged, 3 or 4 days. I have been in a good place and I am trying to gain some trust back from people that I ruined....it is hard to reconcile your past without living in the past. That is where the program can help me to discard all that after I have worked thru it. I don't have to live in the past to heal from the past. Every decision I make today, can be a good one and does not have to be the one that I have made before....

I am happy to be where I am, to have learned the things I have. It makes me love the journey all that more.

Today I am grateful for:

• My wife working her program right along with me.
• Work going well and I am grateful to have a job.
• My daughter and her vocabulary improving.
• God working with me and being patient even though sometimes I don't deserve it.

Loving yourself...

At a meeting this morning, we talked about loving ourselves....if we cant do that we cannot recover...A lot depends on us trying to figure out how we can survive without alcohol. This can happen. We can survive in our world even though we don't think we can. We needed alcohol so much, to a fault. We thought that we needed to survive with the drink....the truth is we could not survive with the drink...only without it. How much of our ego depends on us drinking. How much depends on us trying to figure out what we can do and what we cannot do in sobriety. I pray that I can figure that out...

Today I am grateful for:

• My meeting.
• My sobriety for the day.
• Daily reprieve each day...and an ability to overcome that.
• God doing for me..

Random thoughts....

I think that in sobriety as well as when we were drinking we can feel somethings are just like they were when we were drinking...in other words, we can scheme and manipulate just as well without drinking. That is the hardest part in sobriety, is to actually change behavior and not just "go with what you know". If we as alcoholics always went with what we know we would have the same problems we had while drinking. We learned to go with what we know WHILE we were drinking. So the problem then becomes, how do we change. It takes patience, practice and perseverance. What I know today is the sometimes I need to take the contrary action to what I am thinking. Make a mental note and do the opposite. Putting my needs and want to the side, what is the real reason this is going on? How do I react to this without being selfish or manipulative. It takes practice, but so many have done it that I know I can, with the help of God...

Today I am grateful for:

• A hopefully relaxing weekend...
• My home office being set up and the peace it gives me working here...
• Time to reflect and work on me each day...
• My noon meeting and some of the things I heard there...
• Turning problems over to God and letting him work them out...

To remove..

"Were entirely ready to let God remove these defects of character" Step 6 (paraphrase)
Remove, Definition by dictionary.com
"..to remove from a place or position.."

I heard at a meeting that the definition of remove is to distance oneself from. That we need to distance ourselves from our character defects and then our Higher Power will then insert himself between us...without that distance, our HP cannot do anything for us. I thought this interesting...it is not as if we can kill or get rid of our character defects, they are a part of us. However, in working our program to the best of our ability we can distance ourselves from them and from our reactions to them. They exist but we are so far "removed" from them that we do not let them ruin our lives, or our sobriety.
It is like Australia. I know it is there, but I am so far removed from it, that I cannot be affected by it....weird analogy I know, but the point is made. The more we remove ourselves from our defects, the more room we create for God to get in between us and them...the more we create the healing process for God.

Today I am grateful for:

• Waking up a little more refreshed than the past nights.
• My wife and her funny little quirks that I enjoy while sober and that bother me when I am not in recovery.
• Spending time this morning working on myself.
• Finding a meeting at noon today that I can go to for the first time...
• Me changing instead of my sobriety date changing!!

Giving to get...

In Step 12 it is told that we must give freely what we have in order to stay sober. In life it is the same. We must freely give our love to receive love. I have found in the past few days that when I can give away my love I seem to get it without condition. That is the greatest gift. I am way away from step 12, but I can try and practice giving without the condition of receiving something. I always know that when I give and help, without expectation, I can receive what my Higher Power wants me to have.

It is a struggle sometimes to stay sober, and I pray that, just for today, I can listen to my higher power and He can have my weaknesses.

Today I am grateful for:

• Having set-up my home office it is working out well.
• The motivation and ability to work out, some people are unable and for that I am grateful.
• My daughter and her smile every morning.
• God doing for me...
• An early meeting to keep my head straight.

Two things...

At a meeting last night a person got up and shared only 2 things:

1. Sobriety is not a punishment.
2. If you don't change, your sobriety date will.

I was fascinated by this, and frankly had never heard this before. How simple it was, yet how hard. It seems that every time I want to over complicate recovery, someone helps me by putting things into perspective. I so often feel like God is punishing me by giving me this disease. It is not a punishment, it is meant for me to grow and change to become better one of His children. I cannot believe that my struggles are meant for me to fail, only to become closer to Him and His way.

I have been struggling with change, and sometimes that has made my sobriety date change. As an addict I don't want things to change, let them be...but how is that working for me? Misery, guilt, remorse, shame...who wants to hold onto these things? An addict that is who.

Today I am grateful for:

• A friend to go to a meeting with last night.
• Treating my disease today.
• The way my body feels when I take care of it...
• My daughter and her smile...

Excuse the absence...

Took a little time off, between life and life, the blog suffered. And frankly so did I. I think the most important thing to achieve in life is balance. In recovery we see we can even be out of balance on good things too...too many meetings, not paying attention to other things. This can happen in every aspect of life if we are not careful.

Another thing I am struggling with is TRUST in my higher power. It seems strange that I can trust so many evil things, drinking, gambling, etc...to bring me happiness, but the one thing that truly can take this away from me is my Higher Power.

I laugh at the notion I can do this all by myself. It truly is a feat to be in recovery and take this sickness away. There is not a person who suffers from this disease that will tell you that it will rip your soul out if you let it....truly....

I am grateful for my balance that is coming to my life..

Today I am grateful for:

• My wife and daughter and how much fun we had this weekend.
• My time alone this morning as I worked out to reflect and see changes I need to make.
• Honesty taking over my mind, even when the fucked up thoughts try to creep in.
• Inventory and the process starting for me.