One Foot forward...

Putting it simply, recovery for me is putting one foot forward, shutting up when I want to react, and delaying any gratifications that I have...really that is the sum of all my parts. I want to react, I want to scream, I want to fantasize about how really bad people think of me.....but in recovery I can not do that. I can wait, pause and react. I have been concentrating on balance...to keep my mental, physical and emotional things in check....that has been the hardest yet. I have a great plan to get better physically and I love my recovery, however I need to balance the three so as to get everything firing on the same cylinders.

I love change, I know at 38 I can change, I know I can make myself what my Higher Power has always seen in me...I know I can become at 6 or 60 the best me possible...

Today I am grateful for:

• Doing well at my job.
• My wife and her trust, no matter how many times I break it, she freely gives as long as I am trying, which I always am.
• Football season, really need I say more.
• God being there, whispering...loving...and waiting.

Given Freely...

In the program we all talk about giving freely, but who does this more than our Higher Power? Every time I fail as a person or disappoint, I know that God is still there. He listens and will be there for me no matter what. I feel like this is what we, as alcoholics, need to do. Listen and be there for others no matter what. I know we all must be guarded and use common sense when dealing with drunks, but really sometimes we just need to give freely what we have been given. Love, acceptance, peace, teachings. It all comes with just enough for us all to give to others...I hope I can give this freely to all, that my love might be shown with these gifts..

Today I am grateful for:

• Not listening to my body and head this morning and staying in bed...it felt great to really get up early and work out.
• Getting the right size shoes!!!
• Working thru a problem with my wife and finding the best solution was hers, its rare I can do that.
• God still doing for me, even when I am stubborn as a mule...
• My still small voice that seems to be coming back, telling me right from wrong...

The Triangle...

In life I have been told we need to work on our "triangle" all together, the Mental side, Spiritual side and Physical side. When I am in recovery sometimes some of these sides suffer, I spend so much time worrying about my alcoholism that I eat whatever I want and don't sleep, or I don't spend time reading something that isn't recovery related, or doing something else to stimulate my mind. Over the last week or so I have learned that it is imperative to make sure all THREE sides of my life are in balance. Sometimes this is the hardest thing to do in recovery. I cannot be successful in life if I cant find this balance.

Its like I am learning all over again to walk, like my emotional, spiritual and physical growth have all started over. Day by day I am learning even more....

A member of my Saturday group shared the following story I liked...
"Everyday I go get the mail and my dog comes with me...we get the mail and then go back inside. On this particular day I went to get the mail and thought my dog had gone back in. After about an hour and a half I realized my dog was not in the house. I ran to the front door and opened it and on the doormat was my dog patiently waiting for me to open the door. I feel that this is like my Higher Power, even when I shut him outside, he is patiently waiting for me to open the door."

Great Story...

Today I am grateful for:

• A great weekend.
• My daughter being in a "big girl" bed and sleeping pretty well all things considered...
• God doing for me, even when I have shut the door on him...
• God patiently waiting for me to finally "get" it...wow that's a LOT of patience!!!
• My wife's support and love.

Acceptance...everyday....

Each day I awake I say, I am an alcoholic. Throughout the day the disease does a million things to tell me I am not. If I am busy with work, or starting a project of things are going good, the disease tells me all is ok...you can beat this and you are not an alcoholic. The truth is no matter how much I workout, work on projects or get new ideas, I am still a drunk. The disease is cunning baffling and powerful. There is no difference in me and the skid row bum, the only thing that separates me from that is one last drink.

I know this in my heart, but my head sometimes gets in the way...BIG TIME!!! I am glad for my daily reprieve and no matter what happens in my head, I have identified as an alcoholic, and frankly you cant unindentify!!! Each day is new and can help me to be better in my recovery!!!

Today I am grateful for:

• My Saturday meeting, there are some great people there.
• My wife and daughter and finding something to do today!
• The vacation that we are going to plan today.
• God accepting me and my flaws....
• Progress rather than perfection if I needed to be a perfect sober person I never would make it.

Health and Freedom

My alcoholism has taken me to depths of despair I never would have known...but it has also taken me places to learn things I never would have learned. It is strange how even the hardest lessons can be appreciated given time. My patience was tried today with some work things, and I think I am going to just accept it and move on...that is the only thing I can do..

On a related note I started a personal fitness regiment today, and I just had to accept the weight I am as a starting point and try not to make excuses. I am handling this like my alcoholism...one day at a time...just trying to manage to hold it all together...its tough but I am trying...

Today I am grateful for:

• Having the smarts to keep my mouth shut at my job when I know I would be in trouble if I didn't.
• Learning to be QUIET. Trying to learn to let others speak.
• The calm of the house as I type this.
• Learning more and more each day to trust...God, myself and others..
• Being right where I am supposed to be...

Personal Inventory

As I am in the middle of my fourth step, which is an accounting of my drinking days and what not, I often forget that we need to take personal inventory each day. If I do that each night I can make this progress a living breathing entity instead of something that is only dealing with the "drinking past". Each day before I go to bed, I should think of what I did that day that I can do better, or what I did that was good. How to improve, how to be more of service. Did I offend anyone (probably) or was I dishonest. The best way to improve ourselves is to continually right our wrongs on a daily basis, not just the events from our drinking past.

Today I am grateful for:

• Personal inventory.
• Taking steps to become healthier, both mentally and physically.
• A job that keeps my family under a roof.
• Morning prayers, righting my wrongs.
• God trying to do for me, even when I don't want Him to!!!!!!!

Half Measures...

Half Measures availed us nothing....Big Book of AA.

As an alcoholic I feel I am constantly doing half measures. This half way, that half way. Just doing enough to get by...just doing as much as it takes to get the minimum done. I don't believe that is how life should be. It started early with me, as a kid I would always do the same thing. I think it stems from selfish behaviour. The reason I do things half way is that I want to go do something I want. I hope to be able to work on this character defect. I hope to be able to get that piece away from me as I continue to work the program. It will be more and more difficult to be self seeking if I lose myself in the program.

Today I am grateful for:

• Sleeping in my own bed, travelling makes my clock all out of sync.
• Morning Tea again.
• A new doctor that I can get a hold of and maybe get some of my medical problems worked out.
• Progress and not perfection.
• God being there, even when sometimes WE abandon him...

Self seeking motives..

In recovery I still find my mind seeking my self, something that makes me feel better. Since its not alcohol, it often is food or isolation or something else that still is self seeking. When the program starts to change us, we find our time and desires become more than self serving, they become selfless...I hope that the more I walk this road the more my desire to "quash" my feelings with whatever "escape" I might desire can be replaced with service to others or helping my spiritual malady.

Today I am grateful for:

• My Saturday meeting on relationships, it always helps me to look at how I react.
• A night alone with my wife, I am excited about our date.
• That I still can laugh and have a sense of humor when I am sober.
• God doing for me...and progress rather than perfection!!

Patience my little friend...

As of my 38th year I finally am trying to learn patience. And frankly I am not sure I am doing very well at it...but I do know one thing. I am for sure thinking about it a lot more. I find myself saying how can I be more patient, how can I see my part in this situation. The reality is that I still try to push things to happen maybe out of the natural order or things...and that is not My Higher Powers way...teach me the serenity right?

Today I am grateful for:

• FRIDAY BABY.
• My wife having a great birthday weekend.
• Having a date night with my beautiful wife.
• Teaching my daughter to count...and that is teaching me patience.
• God doing for me, and reminding me!!!!!

Pause..please...

I hear in the rooms "God is standing next to me with his arm around my shoulders and a hand over my mouth". So many times I have wanted to say things and mostly I did...now in sobriety I need to check what I am saying. It is one thing to try and not take others inventory, but sometimes it is just hard to not react with anger or contempt to a situation. That type of reaction will always give me NOTHING I need in life. IT is better to wait, calm down and try and deal with the person, place or thing without coming from emotion or control. As I practice this in my affairs I get better and better at reading how people react to this change. I pray that I might become better at this each day, thinking and reacting with restraint.

Today I am grateful for:

• Closer to the weekend.
• My wife's birthday which should be fun.
• My obsession coming but when it does I know what to do.
• Trying to become closer to my Higher Power.
• God doing for me...and progress not perfection.

Acting as if...

In my drinking I was always able to pretend, lie, cheat and steal to be someone else...that was not a problem. In sobriety I try and act as if...meaning act as if you are sober, and BE SOBER. This means working the program even if I don't understand it. Doing the next right thing will help me to understand how I can better myself and help others. The reality is that if I continue to suit up and show up then someday I will "get" it. I love the program and how it makes me see MY part in all my problems. That is a blessing...

Today I am grateful for:

• Patience from my wife...
• My program
• My daughter and playing with her tonight...
• God doing for me...

Letting Go....

To really beat this disease and CHANGE, I need to let it go to my Higher Power. God, as I believe, wants me to be happy and healthy. The struggles we are given must happen in order to learn and to change. For some reason I am hard wired to LOVE alcohol and the effect that it gives me. The program and thought process that I need to be a better person is a software that I must install in my brain. To do that, I must turn it over to my Higher Power and really trust that I can change. I have tried so many times to force change and not accept what was given to me, I am learning that as I accept my path, the path opens up and gets easier. I can love myself and have an easier path as long as I accept where I am going. I am not the leader here....and boy that is TOUGH to learn.

Today I am grateful for:

• My favorite meeting tonight, the sobriety is great and the shares are honest.
• Being honest today.
• Work moving forward.
• A little break from work soon, I could use some time away.
• God doing for me....

Inventory

I feel sometimes while I trudge this road that I will never be fully able to forgive myself for some of the things I have done. While it is true that every alcoholic has done some crazy things, most seem to be able to move past that and get better. I am having serious doubts that I can overcome the guilt I have. The shame I have. That is why I have to let my Higher Power work miracles in me. I said something at a meeting on Saturday that I really mean. I am not as Good as I think I am, and I am not as Bad as I think I am either. I hope that my Higher Power can work within me and take away this guilt, and this obsession.

Today I am grateful for:

• Feeling energy for a great week ahead.
• My desire to change my body and become more healthy.
• My family and the fun we had this weekend.
• God doing for me....

Willingness...

Often people say that they are willing to do things, and for me that is exactly the opposite. In my program to become willing to listen, and do what I am told is completely foreign to me. I am full of ego and pride and there is no way that you of all people know better than me. Normal people can take suggestions and change behavior as they see fit. For me, the alcoholic, I take a suggestion to mean that you are criticising me...and that is bad. The more I learn not to take suggestions from other alcoholics as maybe they know what they are talking about, maybe then I can "get" it.

Today I am grateful for:

• My Saturday meeting and the great presence felt there.
• My wife doing all our laundry yesterday, it makes the weekend more fun.
• My daughter running to me when I come home, and that I come home now. Sometimes I didn't....
• God doing for me...