Hope...

When all else fails we have our hope...I heard this once a long time ago and didn't really understand it. There is all sorts of hope for us in recovery. The hope I had while drinking is "I hope I don't get caught..I hope I have enough money..I hope I don't see so and so.." This is so different today. I hope for the future and have a pure hope. A hope that is real, a hope that will take me to places only dreamt of before. Over 40 days of recovery, real recovery, and I am starting to finally feel centered. Or at least for today....

Today I am grateful:

• My wife understands my meeting schedule. Its hard for her because real recovery takes so much time. I am glad for that...
• My alone time with my daughter to help build our relationship, she is such a momma's girl!!
• My first time speaking tonight. Its a double winners meeting (Al Anon and AA). I am nervous but I trust.
• Not being hungover on a Sunday.

Random Fridays/Saturdays...Suiting Up...

I missed yesterday so thought I would stay with the theme and write today. I am getting in the habit of checking myself as I go around daily. Wondering why I am getting angry, what my part is, how to be better. I am glad the program is helping me with this. I don't know if I am just being more present or just a nicer person. I like myself more now that I don't drink. I suppose its a good thing that I am staying in the now more. I did let myself get worked up about a work event, however, those things pass and of course it did.

Today I am grateful for:

• getting to sleep.
• A nice weekend ahead.
• My health coming back, I feel more energy.
• Meeting with my sponsor and my one of my favorite meetings.
• My family.

In the Herd...

This time around I am staying in the middle of the Herd. That is the way people stay sober in AA, connected and together. It was hard for me before, I thought I was unique and special. That my alcoholism was different than all these other people...not true. Alcohol is the great equalizer and will bring people to their knees all together. I hope that I stay in the middle of the herd and help those I can. I call people and I try to make meetings early and stay late, all to find people to connect with, even if it is for a brief moment.

Today I am Grateful for:

• Last Dentist appointment for a little while.
• Finally being somewhat organized at work? Till tomorrow I guess!
• Early rising and some alone time.
• The calm in my heart.

Skipping Stones...

In a meeting this morning the speaker shared an analogy I had never heard before. He compared alcoholics to skipping rocks on a lake. When you first do it the rock hits the lake and bounces really high, then skips again, not as high, and continues skipping till the intervals are less and less and eventually the rock sinks. He likened that to us with our drinking. We hit bottom then rocket up again, hit again and then only go up a little...and so on until our drinking has us sinking to the bottom of a lake. It takes what it takes I hear, and for me I am done with skipping on the top of a lake, I will take the shore or a nice peaceful boat any day!!!

Today I am Grateful for:

• The speaker and his words that corrected some stinking thinking I had.
• Summer dress attire at work. NO MORE TIES till fall!!!
• Feeling a bit more rested than yesterday.
• My daily reprieve.

If you seek Him...

"(c) That God could and would if He were sought." Pg. 60 Alcoholics Anonymous

The key to this last part is our Higher Power can help us if HE were sought. There is no beating this disease without seeking first our Higher Power. He is not going to come down from on high and touch us and cure us. Much to my chagrin. To get the help from our Higher Power, we must seek out the ways to connect. Prayer and Meditation being the most important ways. These things I have been trying to learn on a daily basis. I feel like I am slacking a bit in that department. The first thing I need to do is hit my knees in the morning, and the last thing I need to do is to hit my knees at night. To stay connected is the only way to relieve myself of these demons and to stay sober.

Today I am Grateful for:

• The past weekend, it was nice to have an extra day.
• Coolness in the morning, I don't like it being so hot when I first get up.
• My favorite meeting tonight.
• Meeting with my sponsor and starting Chapter 1 of the Big Book. This is how we are going to do the steps and I am excited.
• Having a job.

Probably NOT!!!

"(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism." Pg.60 Alcoholics Anonymous

In the depths of my disease it was easy to stop, or so I thought. I would go a whole week without drinking and be proud of myself. I never lost the obsession or craving. I cannot do that on my own. The power of AA is that a higher power relieves me of my obsession and craving. I am so glad for that, cuz I could NOT do it myself. Nor could my wife, family or friends. I disagree with a word in the passage above. Probably. I know for a fact that I will not stay sober for someone or because of someone. A power above and beyond must help me, must be with me. Acceptance, for me, begins with knowing I cannot stay sober on my own. Only my higher power can help me.

Today I am grateful for:

• A three day weekend.
• My meeting this morning and how I am praying it centers me.
• My tooth healing, and being able to eat normal food.
• Just living in California, and the lovely marine layer that is over us right now.

The ...ISM

"(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives." Pg. 60 Alcoholics Anonymous

I hear a lot about the ism of alcoholism, and how it affects our lives. The more time I get from my last drink, the more I feel the ism. The more I feel how I must actually work a program and not just keep away from the drink. In a meeting today, a crosstalk mixed meeting by the way very fun indeed, there was a lot of talk of "not working the program as good as..." fill in the blank. I guess to me its about working a program that works for you and follows the suggestions. Not everyone wants to blog, or cares what I have to say. For me it helps. As does reading the blogs of others. I need to relax, pray and meditate to center myself. For some they need 3 meetings a week or everyday. Its different, but the same. Stay connected, turn your will to a higher power, and help another person. It says in plain English that we could not manage our own lives. Doing all these things, some of these things or other things, will keep us connected and will help us stay in recovery. Being IN recovery is the goal, not just not drinking.

Today I am Grateful for:

• A new meeting and the format I love, and truly honest people in the room.
• Another day without picking up a drink.
• Helping someone out with some moving today. It felt great!
• Daddy daughter special dinner tonight! Just me and my girl!! Cant wait.