One Foot forward...

Putting it simply, recovery for me is putting one foot forward, shutting up when I want to react, and delaying any gratifications that I have...really that is the sum of all my parts. I want to react, I want to scream, I want to fantasize about how really bad people think of me.....but in recovery I can not do that. I can wait, pause and react. I have been concentrating on balance...to keep my mental, physical and emotional things in check....that has been the hardest yet. I have a great plan to get better physically and I love my recovery, however I need to balance the three so as to get everything firing on the same cylinders.

I love change, I know at 38 I can change, I know I can make myself what my Higher Power has always seen in me...I know I can become at 6 or 60 the best me possible...

Today I am grateful for:

• Doing well at my job.
• My wife and her trust, no matter how many times I break it, she freely gives as long as I am trying, which I always am.
• Football season, really need I say more.
• God being there, whispering...loving...and waiting.

Given Freely...

In the program we all talk about giving freely, but who does this more than our Higher Power? Every time I fail as a person or disappoint, I know that God is still there. He listens and will be there for me no matter what. I feel like this is what we, as alcoholics, need to do. Listen and be there for others no matter what. I know we all must be guarded and use common sense when dealing with drunks, but really sometimes we just need to give freely what we have been given. Love, acceptance, peace, teachings. It all comes with just enough for us all to give to others...I hope I can give this freely to all, that my love might be shown with these gifts..

Today I am grateful for:

• Not listening to my body and head this morning and staying in bed...it felt great to really get up early and work out.
• Getting the right size shoes!!!
• Working thru a problem with my wife and finding the best solution was hers, its rare I can do that.
• God still doing for me, even when I am stubborn as a mule...
• My still small voice that seems to be coming back, telling me right from wrong...

The Triangle...

In life I have been told we need to work on our "triangle" all together, the Mental side, Spiritual side and Physical side. When I am in recovery sometimes some of these sides suffer, I spend so much time worrying about my alcoholism that I eat whatever I want and don't sleep, or I don't spend time reading something that isn't recovery related, or doing something else to stimulate my mind. Over the last week or so I have learned that it is imperative to make sure all THREE sides of my life are in balance. Sometimes this is the hardest thing to do in recovery. I cannot be successful in life if I cant find this balance.

Its like I am learning all over again to walk, like my emotional, spiritual and physical growth have all started over. Day by day I am learning even more....

A member of my Saturday group shared the following story I liked...
"Everyday I go get the mail and my dog comes with me...we get the mail and then go back inside. On this particular day I went to get the mail and thought my dog had gone back in. After about an hour and a half I realized my dog was not in the house. I ran to the front door and opened it and on the doormat was my dog patiently waiting for me to open the door. I feel that this is like my Higher Power, even when I shut him outside, he is patiently waiting for me to open the door."

Great Story...

Today I am grateful for:

• A great weekend.
• My daughter being in a "big girl" bed and sleeping pretty well all things considered...
• God doing for me, even when I have shut the door on him...
• God patiently waiting for me to finally "get" it...wow that's a LOT of patience!!!
• My wife's support and love.

Acceptance...everyday....

Each day I awake I say, I am an alcoholic. Throughout the day the disease does a million things to tell me I am not. If I am busy with work, or starting a project of things are going good, the disease tells me all is ok...you can beat this and you are not an alcoholic. The truth is no matter how much I workout, work on projects or get new ideas, I am still a drunk. The disease is cunning baffling and powerful. There is no difference in me and the skid row bum, the only thing that separates me from that is one last drink.

I know this in my heart, but my head sometimes gets in the way...BIG TIME!!! I am glad for my daily reprieve and no matter what happens in my head, I have identified as an alcoholic, and frankly you cant unindentify!!! Each day is new and can help me to be better in my recovery!!!

Today I am grateful for:

• My Saturday meeting, there are some great people there.
• My wife and daughter and finding something to do today!
• The vacation that we are going to plan today.
• God accepting me and my flaws....
• Progress rather than perfection if I needed to be a perfect sober person I never would make it.

Health and Freedom

My alcoholism has taken me to depths of despair I never would have known...but it has also taken me places to learn things I never would have learned. It is strange how even the hardest lessons can be appreciated given time. My patience was tried today with some work things, and I think I am going to just accept it and move on...that is the only thing I can do..

On a related note I started a personal fitness regiment today, and I just had to accept the weight I am as a starting point and try not to make excuses. I am handling this like my alcoholism...one day at a time...just trying to manage to hold it all together...its tough but I am trying...

Today I am grateful for:

• Having the smarts to keep my mouth shut at my job when I know I would be in trouble if I didn't.
• Learning to be QUIET. Trying to learn to let others speak.
• The calm of the house as I type this.
• Learning more and more each day to trust...God, myself and others..
• Being right where I am supposed to be...

Personal Inventory

As I am in the middle of my fourth step, which is an accounting of my drinking days and what not, I often forget that we need to take personal inventory each day. If I do that each night I can make this progress a living breathing entity instead of something that is only dealing with the "drinking past". Each day before I go to bed, I should think of what I did that day that I can do better, or what I did that was good. How to improve, how to be more of service. Did I offend anyone (probably) or was I dishonest. The best way to improve ourselves is to continually right our wrongs on a daily basis, not just the events from our drinking past.

Today I am grateful for:

• Personal inventory.
• Taking steps to become healthier, both mentally and physically.
• A job that keeps my family under a roof.
• Morning prayers, righting my wrongs.
• God trying to do for me, even when I don't want Him to!!!!!!!

Half Measures...

Half Measures availed us nothing....Big Book of AA.

As an alcoholic I feel I am constantly doing half measures. This half way, that half way. Just doing enough to get by...just doing as much as it takes to get the minimum done. I don't believe that is how life should be. It started early with me, as a kid I would always do the same thing. I think it stems from selfish behaviour. The reason I do things half way is that I want to go do something I want. I hope to be able to work on this character defect. I hope to be able to get that piece away from me as I continue to work the program. It will be more and more difficult to be self seeking if I lose myself in the program.

Today I am grateful for:

• Sleeping in my own bed, travelling makes my clock all out of sync.
• Morning Tea again.
• A new doctor that I can get a hold of and maybe get some of my medical problems worked out.
• Progress and not perfection.
• God being there, even when sometimes WE abandon him...