Wreckage of the Past...

"We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." AA Big Book pg. 83

For me this has a new meaning this time in sobriety. I was getting someone coffee this morning, and when I left I saw a big black limo parked outside the Starbucks. This was not odd, as I live right next to a major airport and the limos and drivers often hang out at Starbucks waiting for their fares. As I saw it, I completely flashed to a time on a bender that I was going to Las Vegas. I skipped the whole taxi line at the airport and paid almost $100 just to get in a limo, thinking I was so great. I don't know why I flashed so vividly on this memory, or what it meant. I cringed, I started down the path of hating myself and what I did. Then I stopped, I remembered this phrase in the Big Book and just accepted what I was. An alcoholic with a past, and that I was exactly where my Higher Power wanted me this morning. Getting coffee for a friend. In my previous attempts at sobriety this trigger could have sent me spinning into a self loathing and hatred that, if not the same day someday soon, would have me drinking again. Just because "Gee I did so many things wrong, how can I be forgiven, or even forgive myself." It was fitting that it was Easter morning, as my Higher Power believes that I can be forgiven, and that I, too, may rise again from the depths and be reborn. I get to do that each day, and to forgive myself is even more important.

Today I am grateful:

  • For the Power of Forgiveness.
  • The ability to remember the hurt, but not to repeat the hurt.
  • Starting to understand the wreckage of my past, and to play the tape all the way through so as not to repeat it.

1 comment:

  1. Great post! How wonderful you realized the past is just that. We don't shut the door on it, but we also don't dwell on it. You are making progress, my friend!